Word Vomit

I have been a single mom since Colton was 9.5 months old, although most times it felt like I was a single mom the whole time. It is isn't easy, I don't wish it upon anyone. I have a GREAT support system who is always there to help me and Colton has a dad who he LOVES with all his heart. I don't know how the women who are truly on their own do it, they are my hero's. Although I have a great family, some fantastic friends and an AMAZING child I have to say; sometimes it gets lonely.

I don't  know if it is just me but being a single mom is hard when it comes to social situations. It is hard when I feel like the only one who is there without a significant other, and the times Colton is with his dad, I don't want to do anything because I hate being the only single girl there with families. I realize this is probably all in my own head and don't get me wrong, my close friends are some of the BEST people I know!! They have NEVER done anything to make me feel this way but I still am really struggling right now. I know there are other single mom's out there going through the same thing I am but it is hard when you don't know any of them. We live in a world where every one's life is on display (Facebook, blogs, twitter) and if you ever read blogs, according to most people, their life's are PERFECT. Is it just me or does anyone else have a hard time with that? I have found myself becoming more and more disenchanted with keeping up with people's lives.

My whole life I have struggled with depression and anxiety. My mom says ever since I was a little girl I have had anxiety. I worry about everything, cry about a lot of things I shouldn't and stress about the unnecessary things. Lately it seems to be worse than other times. I don't always want to be a single mom but I don't know if I want to date. The more I try to date the more I find that it isn't fun. Honestly, guys suck! :)

I am not sure why I am writing this but I just feel like I need to get this out of me before I explode. I feel like everything is building up little by little every day and it is starting to get hard to breath. I LOVE my son and I wouldn't trade him for ANYTHING in the world. I have always said when I got pregnant, he saved my life. I feel like that all over again, I look at him and I know why I was brought to this earth. I just don't want to let him down and some days wish I could do better for him.